


Rashomon Olympus

by chellerrific



Category: Greek and Roman Mythology, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan
Genre: Crack, Gen, Rashomon, Siblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-24
Updated: 2011-08-24
Packaged: 2017-10-29 06:09:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/316630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chellerrific/pseuds/chellerrific
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One story, three sides, one mediator to rule them all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rashomon Olympus

**Author's Note:**

  * For [skypirateb](https://archiveofourown.org/users/skypirateb/gifts).



> Set during _The Lightning Thief_ ; I know Hades said he never told anyone about his helm, but this is crack so there you are. For Philippa, written during Dissertation-a-thon 2011.

Hestia was surprised but not displeased the day all three of her brothers came to her at once. Her joy waned somewhat when they told her why they were there.

“His son stole my Master Bolt!” Zeus shouted, pointing a finger accusingly at Poseidon.

“ _And_ my Helm of Darkness, don’t forget!” Hades added, his face nearly purple with rage.

“Oh, fuck off, Hades, nobody cares about your stupid fugly helmet!” Zeus snapped. “That thing is so 1996 anyway!”

“My helm is just as important as if not more than your stupid lightning bolt!” Hades shot back.

“Can your little hat destroy half the planet in one go? Didn’t think so! Suck it up!”

“Both of you, shut up and stop blaming my son!” Poseidon roared.

“You mean your little _thief_?” Hades snarled.

Hestia had had enough. She stood up, drawing herself up to her full five feet, and said in a low voice, “Quiet, all of you.”

They all hushed immediately.

“I want to hear what happened from each of you, one at a time.”

“Well I can tell you what _didn’t_ happen, which was—”

Hestia shot Poseidon a look.

He fell silent again.

“I’ll hear from each of you one at a time,” she went on, looking at each of them in turn. “The other two will kindly wait outside— _quietly_ —while their brother speaks his piece. Then I will tell you my thoughts. Is that acceptable?”

Her brothers exchanged glances, then nodded at her. “Yes, we’ll trust your judgment,” Poseidon said.

“I _always_ trust her judgment,” said Hades.

Hestia gave him a pointed look.

He shrugged innocently and gave her his best _I’m just saying_ look.

“I’ll hear from Hades first.”

“Of course you will,” Zeus couldn’t help grousing.

“Brother,” she said sternly. “Both of you. Outside, please.”

Poseidon and Zeus left the room, muttering unintelligibly and casting dark looks at each other and back at Hades.

“Now. Let’s have a seat and you can start at the beginning, hm?”

* * *

_Hades’ version_  
I had just arrived at Olympus, earlier than everyone else even though they all live here. Oh, wait, sorry, Demeter was here first, being her usual charmingly shrill self. What a pleasant greeting that was, being asked how my _hostage_ was doing despite the fact that she _knows_ we’ve been happily married for—yes, I know, apologies, I’m just trying to be thorough.

As I was saying, everyone else showed up one by one, Athena came shortly after me, I think, then the twins… Zeus was one of the last. Then Dionysus. Poseidon was late, probably because he was plotting with that whelp of his—I know it’s technically conjecture but it seems pretty obvious in light of what’s happened since.

So you know how the meeting went, you were there. Everybody was insufferable and useless. I’m being factual! Yes, they were! Whatever. _Anyway_ , after Zeus was finally done prattling on about nothing, yes he was, I was going to go have a talk with you, but Ares beat me to it. He was asking about what? Poke… what? What is that? Oh. Indeed. I tried to make myself scarce while waiting for him to be done but that was when Apollo and Hermes approached me. And we talked and by the time we were done—what? What do you mean, “about what”? Nothing important.

…very well, then. They asked me about where I… where I got my cape. They wanted to know if I’d bought it in Gotham City and if I’d left the nipple-molded suit it came with at home. Happy now?

So _anyway_ , after I’d finally gotten rid of them, I came over to talk to you, which you know. We decided to take a walk outside, which you also know. But then Zeus showed up and told me to “gee tee eff oh,” which isn’t even _words_ , so I said—why am I telling you all this, _you were there_. I reluctantly bid you farewell and turned to leave, but first I had to get my Helm. But it wasn’t where I left it. On my chair, and before you say anything, I _know_ I shouldn’t just leave something so important unattended like that but I thought of all places _Olympus_ would be safe. I should have known better than to trust those brothers of ours. This will be the last time I ever make _that_ mistake, let me assure you.

That was when I noticed the children that were there, the ones from Camp, and I knew that it had to be one of them, as of course it couldn’t have been Zeus or Poseidon directly.

I wasn’t ready to make any accusations until it turned out that Zeus’ little bolt was missing as well. After all, his symbol gone, my symbol gone, who was left? What do you mean, “someone else”? Like who? I’m sorry, Hes, but you have a pathological need to believe the best in everyone and while I do find it incredibly endearing it just doesn’t work in our family.

So as I was saying, you know how Poseidon went on to claim that boy of his, which makes it unsurprising but official that I am the _only_ one of the three of us to actually hold to our so-called “pact,” which is especially _hilarious_ when you consider that Maria _died_ as a result of it—

I’m sorry. Yes. Deep breaths. No, I just have allergies. I’ve always had allergies at this time of year, you know that!

So… where was I? Oh yes. Logic. Another thought did occur to me, and that was that Zeus is behind the theft and is claiming his bolt is missing to throw suspicion off him, but after I considered for a moment I realized how ridiculous the idea of Zeus coming up with something like that was. I considered that it had been Hera, but much as she’s a stone cold—I was going to say harridan!—as much as she’s… _that way_ , there’s nothing for her to gain from this. Poseidon is the most obvious and logical choice. All the signs point to him.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

* * *

_Zeus’ version_  
My turn, then? I thought that old windbag would never be done, good grief. That is nice when you consider what I was _thinking_ about calling him. Ooh, this is a cozy chair. What is this material? Really? Hm. I think I might need one for…

…but that’s beside the point! So. I’m supposed to tell you everything I remember about that day, right? Well, it was the day of the Council meeting of course. Almost everyone was already there when I arrived because I have to deal with everyone else’s crap and they don’t. There were a couple of people who were late, though. D was one of them, I assume because he was sticking it to—ah, that’s not important. Poseidon came last. _Migh_ -ty suspicious if you ask me. Other than that things seemed pretty normal. Demeter looked like she would have happily fed Hades’ balls to the Minotaur, the twins were bickering like the old married couple they basically are, you know, all the usual stuff. I felt we hit all the important talking points in the meeting, you know, state of western civilization, how good I looked in my suit, the really vital stuff, right? Anyway I know where everyone was during all of that, obviously, they were listening rapt to my every word. _How could they not_.

After the meeting ended, people began to trickle off a few at a time. I remember D bolted immediately, probably one last qu—you know, saying goodbye to Ariadne and all that. My favorite time of the year is always right after the meeting because it’s the longest amount of time I get to go before I have to hear him _whining_ again. I swear, for the love of me.

Let’s see… Ares… that’s right, he went to talk to you… Hades was skulking around like a pedophile at a toddler beauty pageant, as is his wont. I had to talk to Hera about… some… important business matters. Really, I remember seeing just about everyone there _except_ Poseidon. No I am _not_ just saying that! I know because I talked to most of them. Like I exchanged about five extremely painful words with Hephaestus about the state of his forges, and I gave high fives to Hermes and Apollo after they told me what they were talking to Hades about. It was _funny_! It totally was. Yeah, you’re smiling, that means I’m right. Ah, too late, I saw it, no take-backs!

The kids were all there too, the ones from Camp. Not mine, obviously, because of that stupid pact. Yes, I’m aware, but she’s a tree, and… no, let’s not go down _that_ rabbit hole. Now that you mention it, I find it hard to believe Poseidon and I would have both broken it but Hades wouldn’t have. Granted, who would _want_ to—I’m just saying, he’s never been one for racking up the ladies and kidlets like his bros. It’s just mathematics. Don’t make that face at me, I can’t help the nature of the universe. Well I don’t know about _that_ , I mean, have you _seen_ my wife? I’m just saying. Anyway, that’s somewhat beside the point, all though you’ve reminded me that I really do need to keep a closer eye on Hades…

…actually, I wonder if it’s possible that he’s just claiming that hat of his is missing so that I’ll come to the natural conclusion that it must have been Poseidon’s doing. …nah, he would have had to have an accomplice, and who would team up with _that_.

So… where was I? Right, the kids. I went over to schmooze with them a bit. I mean, I figure, hey, ho, I’m probably your grandfather, might as well remind you I’m the good guy here, right? Well, compared to like… other people. Just in general, you know! Anyway you would have been proud of me, I was the paragon of good behavior. I didn’t make fun of that runty son of Apollo who looked like he could have fit in a thimble, I said _nothing_ about the boy of Ares’ who was pinging my gaydar so hard I thought it would break, and I definitely did not eye fuck that daughter of Deo’s in the low-cut top no matter how hard she tried to get me to. Well, not _much_ anyway.

Anyway then I got tired of the little brats and decided to head back to work. First I had to chase Hades off—because he’s not supposed to be here, that’s why. And you know how I am about keeping things tidy. Then I… had to have a lengthy discussion with Hera about… the… somewhat tenuous position Olympus has found itself in in recent years. Yes, a lot of positions were discussed. Ha, I’m so clever… What? No, nothing, nothing.

So it was about this time I noticed my Master Bolt was missing. I never would have thought someone would have had the ’nads to swipe it right from under my own nose, but if anyone would, it would be Poseidon. Yeah, yeah, that’s for you to decide, blah blah blah. Can I take a nap here? I _really_ like this chair. Oh, right, in the middle of something. Okay, okay, say no more, I’m gone…

* * *

_Poseidon’s version_  
Before you say anything, I can already guess what they said. They both talked about how I was late to the meeting and that I left right afterward. Did they mention D did the exact same thing? They did? It’s just funny, that’s all, that I’m immediately suspected while Zeus’s favorite son gets an automatic pass. Something about what? His wife? Ah, fuck, you’re right, he was probably screwing his wife. I mean… talking? In bed… naked…

Okay, well, I’m going to be completely honest here and tell you exactly why I was late and had to leave right after. You see, that afternoon I’d… consumed a rather, for lack of a better word, gnarly burrito that was doing a number on my intestines. I tried to run to the bathroom while leaving myself enough time to make it to the meeting, but in my haste, my zipper got stuck. On… you know. Anyway I finally managed to get it unstuck, though that required me basically breaking the damn thing, and I ran to the meeting only _barely_ late. So _no_ , I was not “plotting with my son” in that time. Because I didn’t want to go, “Hey guys, sorry I’m late, I had a massive case of the shits and then I caught myself by the short ones and didn’t want to rip them out one by one.” It’s just not really a mood-setter, you know?

So anyway, as you can probably guess, the reason I left afterward was similar. Seriously, I am never eating at Otus’ place again, I don’t care if he is my son and it’s always been his dream to run a restaurant. That place should be condemned by the board of health. And then burned to the ground. To be honest I’m still not quite recovered.

That’s all there is to that. Nothing sinister. Well, that burrito was pretty sinister, but nothing _overthrowing-Olympus_ sinister. And my son certainly had nothing to do with it; he didn’t even _know_ about me at the time. Well, no, of course I don’t have _proof_ , but it’s fact _anyway_. The point is that people should be looking elsewhere. I mean, it’s a _theft_ we’re talking about, maybe someone should try looking at the god of _thieves_. Right? Right? Doesn’t that seem logical to you? You’ve got that “that seems logical indeed, Brother” look on your face right now. It looks like the look you’ve got on your face right now, that’s what. And Hermes has a bunch of little sprogs, and they were all here that day. What do you mean, “motive”? Since when has that jackass ever needed a “motive” to start shit? “For the lulz,” sis. “For. The. Lulz.”

Look, I’m satisfied with things the way they are. I’m quite happy with my palace and my wife and my domain. Contrary to Zeus’s paranoid delusions, I’m not interested in overthrowing him. Oh, come on, that was _one time_ , and if you’ll remember, Athena and Hera were in on that as well and I don’t see him side-eyeing them over that to this very day. Bro needs to learn to let shit go, is all I’m saying. That’s all water under the Williamsburg Bridge as far as I’m concerned. I don’t want the sky—I hate the smell of ozone, for one thing, and for another the seafood is just never quite as fresh—and I don’t want to be king of Olympus. He can go ahead and give me dirty looks all he wants, I’m just pissed that he’s trying to drag my son into this. I’m sorry that I’ve done a better job keeping him alive than he did with his daughter. No, I haven’t said that to him but I _ought_ to. I’m serious!

You believe me, though, right? I mean, this isn’t even my _style_. If I _did_ want to overthrow him, I’d just _do_ it. None of this skulking around—doesn’t that sound a bit more like Hades to you? You would say that. I don’t know why whoever took their crap didn’t take anything of mine. Either because they wanted to throw suspicion on me or because I take better care of my belongings and don’t just leave them lying around. Or all of the above! It’s not really important. The fact of the matter is that if they want them back before someone puts them to _use_ they need to look elsewhere. My son and I are both innocent and ignorant.

* * *

When Poseidon had finished speaking, Hestia sat back in her chair and thought over the information she’d been given. Finally she looked up—Poseidon was watching her expectantly—and said, “You can come back in now.” She knew she didn’t have to say it very loudly; Zeus and Hades would have been listening at the door anyway.

Sure enough, the words were barely out of her mouth before the door flew open and her other brothers stormed in. “ _Well_?” they demanded simultaneously, then glared at one another.

“I have heard all each of you has had to say,” she said carefully, “and I am fairly certain that Poseidon… is _not_ the culprit, nor is his son.”

The reactions to this pronouncement were as immediate as they were predictable: Poseidon pumped his fist and said, “ _Yes_ ,” while Zeus and Hades began scoffing and protesting.

Hestia held up a hand for silence, which she received. “Poseidon has made several compelling arguments for his innocence—”

“Yeah, right, _gnarly burrito_ my ass,” Zeus sneered.

“—and I am inclined to agree. In fact, I don’t think anyone in this room currently has possession of either the Bolt or the Helm. I think their disappearance is the responsibility of an outside party.”

“But who? And why?” Hades demanded. He was agitated, but he still clearly wanted to hear her opinion on this.

Hestia bit her lip. There was only one person she could think of who might want to sow this kind of discord, and she refused to believe that he would or even _could_. “I don’t know,” she said at last. “But I suspect we devote our energy to determining the identity of any other potential suspects rather than casting aspersions on one another. That will only make it easier for whoever _did_ take the items to do whatever it is they plan to do with them.”

Zeus looked like he was about to blow. “This isn’t over,” he told Poseidon in a dangerously low voice, then turned on his heel and left the room.

“Thanks, Hes. I knew if anybody in this family would see sense, it would be you,” Poseidon said. With that he vanished with the smell of a salty ocean breeze.

Hades sighed. “I don’t agree with your conclusion, you know.”

Hestia’s shoulders slumped. “I’m aware.”

“There’s no one else who—”

“So you’ve said,” Hestia interrupted tiredly. “I’m worn thin, Brother.”

Hades expression softened considerably. “Well. I’ll make some tea then, shall I?”


End file.
